Hi. My name is Becky and I sometimes don’t believe or accept that I’m worthy of positive things.
Maybe you struggle with this, too.
See, if you express to me I’m beautiful, smart, funny … you’ll get a “it’s very kind of you to say that.”
Describe me as a free-spirit – like my mother does – and my nose will wrinkle and a disbelieving laugh will erupt.
I’m a good writer, talented, creative? I’ll smile through my teeth, “that’s nice of you.”
For the few who state my large body is OK – even attractive – just the way it is? I’ll look at you like you’re crazy (even though I really try to accept this as truth).
When you say I’m a pretty decent mom, you’ll get a run-down of each mistake I made that day. There will be a lot of them. Especially yesterday. Don’t get me started on yesterday!
God forbid you say anything remotely close to “I love you.” You’ll receive a list of all the things that are quirky and annoying about me (like how I hate cocktail parties, surprises, and bananas). I’ll let you know – up front and center, real loud – not to put this girl on any sort of pedestal because I’ll quickly fall off into the depths … then you’ll run away. I’ll tell you to trust me on this – it’s happened before. People can be fickle. Change their minds.
While I believe it’s not difficult to love the person standing in front of me – imperfections and all – I find it challenging to believe you’ll be able to do the same. (Kind of arrogant, right?) Anais Nin says, “Where the myth fails, human love begins. Then we love a human being, not our dream, but a human being with flaws.”
I will expect you to accept, without question, that I compliment you with utmost sincerity.
I’ll expect you to feel completely comfortable with gifts of love and kindness and time I give you. If you get uncomfortable, I’ll wonder why you don’t see yourself like I do. I’ll probably be a little ticked off, too. Feel slightly slighted.
But when the role is reversed? I’m dubious.
At the time when positive things I hoped for occur, I might get scared. Fidgety. Part of me sometimes thinks, “Oh no … what now? I know this isn’t going to last.”
And so what?
So what if it doesn’t last? Nothing stays the same...nothing. What is so gruesome, so terrible, so frightening about change? About something not lasting? I’m learning this: it doesn’t mean you were unworthy of the beauty while it did last.
Life shifts. Experience always gives a different perspective.
On fickleness, on people changing their minds: sometimes they don’t!
And if they do change their minds, it doesn’t mean the things that were whispered were insincere or untrue. It doesn’t mean the relationship was for naught. Most likely, what was shared with you was given with an open heart … at that time.
I need to learn to accept the kindness and trust the genuineness of others; I need to allow myself to feel grateful for and proud of hard work paid off; otherwise, there’s a risk of the very thing I don’t want: for it to disappear.
When the good stuff happens, it’s OK to embrace it, receive it. Anything less means your heart really isn’t open. And the thing is – we are all worthy of being blessed with positivity, light, love. The good stuff. They’re little presents to remind us we’re not really alone, that we’re seen. That we need to quell those monster voices speaking lies to us about ourselves. The good stuff reminds us we’re good enough – perfect enough – just the way we are.
Those who care for us, provide an opportunity to see ourselves for who we deeply are, not just the protective pieces we construct … those pieces don’t speak the truth about who we are, what we’re capable of. Those constructs? They deconstruct.
Each of us is beautiful in our unique way. We bring gifts to the table, offerings that spark interest and curiosity. That help us view things sideways, sometimes. We stretch.
It’s better to invite in that kind of living rather than allow the fears of unworthiness (the lies) to take residence.
So when we’re told we’re beautiful or kind, say thank you.
When we’re told we’re great parents, say thank you.
When we’re told we rock their world, say thank you.
When a dream comes true? Say thank you.
Say thank you. And mean it.